Relationship Theory: Supporting Your Partner and Trust

Relationship Theory: Supporting Your Partner and Trust

all right everybody welcome to another episode of relationship theory I am your co-host tom bill you and I’m here with none other than Lisa bill yeah yes a we coordinated that last time I didn’t forget which is maybe even of itself a little shocking forgive us for being a few minutes tardy today you have all the excuses in the world but since we don’t make excuses we’ll just own it our bad but here we are we are ready to rock and roll we’re doing the damn thing we all do in the den in fact so one thing that we should probably do for anybody that’s joining us for the first time relationship theory is where Lisa and I who happens to be my lovely lovely wife go into your guys’s questions about relationships we are steadily working on putting together whatever the twenty five bullet point equivalent of relationships is we started it the other day and it would did we hit 40 bulbs I know so funny we started which I see 25 and well we whittle it down over time yeah where we are now is not necessarily indicative of where we will end up but we’re brainstorming all of those things so for those that don’t know we have been together for 16 and a half years it’s tempting to round up to almost 17 right now I’ve done a queen and a half Sita and we are about to hit our 15-year wedding anniversary so we violated pretty much every rule that we have for couples out there in terms of how old you should be when you get married and all that good stuff we broke all those rules but nonetheless we managed to make it work out we’ve managed to make it work out by codifying everything really thinking through what are the strategic things that you should be doing as a couple to keep the flame alive and to work well together and we are not only married we’re business partners I don’t know why that’s gone so cheesy but it seems to me because in my head what I said was we’re partners in life and partners in business that really is I pull the last-minute switcheroo they keep it your third but yeah so that’s the show here we are thank you questioning I’m guessing that we have some questions from one yeah and guys this is bringing you value and please share it wow that’s like we’re getting better getting beneficial hoes I’m very impressed can I be honest I actually even wrote myself a little note on my computer why that’s good that’s smart that’s two things we’ll share and then talk about that we’re working on twenty five bullet points I want to get better name though I don’t like bullet points okay it sounds like if anyone’s got a good idea out there what we can call them and don’t you have to look points sounds I don’t know all right so should we go to M o so guys please submit some questions and until we get some good some questions in we’d won some lost we covered all right so I like this one this one’s from facebook from Jessica tar Xia and she says y’all love y’all except y’all and y’all are adorable have you ever have you ever went through one of asaurus I can’t think they’re forints I’ll try and translate – sure have you ever gone through one where one of you was going through depression and how did you support them in that time without taking away from you wow it’s a great question thanks for well so first let me say would you at the height of your stomach issues would you say and by stomach we mean intestinal we’d surround it – stomach would you say you were depressed and yeah I mean I think there’s that word depending on who you’re saying it to carries a lot more weight than others like deep depression where you’re you know really just you don’t want to leave the house what they flirting with the pressure okay yeah yeah I was always very downs very sad and didn’t want to socialize though yes yeah so not clinically depressed or I get where you’re going but so in that that really came down to being supportive of the other person is absolutely critical in fact we have like those words on our ever-growing list of bullet points you should stealthily be adding things being supportive is super super critical I don’t know that you in fact you can’t be in a relationship and really do the things that you need to do for the relationship to not at sometimes totally back burning yourself and and I mean look that’s you know days at a time it’s not weeks and months at a time or maybe it’s weeks but certainly not months at a time but really like making sure that we took steps to solve that problem was rough so that the height of trying to grow Quest it was so much energy going into that and then trying to really figure out what was going on with your stomach was brutally difficult so there were definitely times where I just had to backburner myself and what I wanted but it that wasn’t even like something that I had to deliberate on it was what you were going for was a hundred times worse than having the backburner myself so that’s very different though than getting lost in a relationship or being consumed by somebody else’s depression and if like this is really a question about how to deal with somebody who is clinically depressed and that’s me isn’t really defined by a terminologies going crazy today it’s not defined by whether they’ve been treated for it or not it’s just like are they displaying the symptoms where it’s a chronic condition they’re having a really hard time perceiving the world the way that it is like they’re totally lost in the brain chemistry of depression that you have to be very very careful to not be consumed by what’s going on with that person and to me that requires more effort from them to be willing to do the things to get out of the depression now the real question for me and I say it’s a real question because this scares me and what would I do if you stopped being willing to claw your way out of that or I stopped being willing right because I can deal with anything except the other person not being willing to try like that’s where in fact whenever you hear me say the word selection matters and that is one of the things that we wrote on our very long list of soon to not be called Boulevard is to matters yeah when I say that what I really mean is the other person has to be willing to try because you can’t necessarily stop yourself from getting depressed but you absolutely can take measures to not stay there so if you weren’t doing that and if I felt like I was hitting a brick wall and this is why I say I’m a filtering mechanism like all the content that we put out I’m not trying to convince people I’m trying to be a tool for people who are already convinced and that they can then use that right so this isn’t about convincing people to want to work on their relationships not about convincing people of the power of love it’s not convincing people that neurobiology and brain chemistry changes over time and that you have to adapt with that if you want your relationships to last it’s not convincing people about commitment it’s about saying here are the tools once you already believe that once you want that once being in a relationship something that’s important to you that you understand you have to work on it in order for it to you know work long-term that you like once you believe that then we can help so if somebody if like they’re in a depressive state they’re not willing to acknowledge that depression is a question of brain chemistry and wiring like if you can get them that far then it’s like okay now we have to work on the wiring we have to work on the brain chemistry but if they just want to shut that down now you can only hope they get lost in that which holds no interest for me by the way and the reason I say this is real question and that it scares me is what the fuck do you do because now two things would come to conflict so i’m telling you that hey this is rich or poor sickness and in health like forever i’m going to be there for you but then four months a year multiple year you won’t come out of it like at what point you say this isn’t it doesn’t make sense and so i can’t keep doing yeah and i think we even spoke about that because one thing is that we often said to each other is like don’t wallow in that person’s sadness as well right that almost makes it worse it’s like listening to sad music when you’re sad like it doesn’t help like other she’s just speaking to somebody of the other day and they were feeding down and to put on friends right because friends is just it’s light hearted it’s funny so trying to really change that brain chemistry so that you can go from you know if you’re frustrated or sad or whatever like working towards that and I remember us talking about that and you said to me like there’s nothing I can do right now about my stomach like as in you know today I can actually work on it yes but that may take a year two years but the mind says such a different thing like am I have I given up have I gone well my life sucks and this is what it is now or am i looking for that improvement am i trying to get out of it and there were days that I’d you know failed and I fell and I felt a bit sorry for mess up myself but you didn’t join in on me feeling sorry for myself and you did this really interesting thing where you is like this fine line it wasn’t that you just like suck it up you know deal with it and you were addressing the physical pain that I was in and so you were like baby how can I help you to want an ice pack and you need you know Advil like with things like that you were very supportive and lie down like don’t get up I’ll do it I’ll take care of the babies but the mental part of it you you didn’t come to my level you were like look you can think through this you can get you know stop focusing on the negative and that was one of the phrases that you had taught me that was so powerful and I don’t know if you guys at home like every so often the right time the right moment someone says something and it’s just a light bulb goes off and that was one of those moments where you said to me you get what you focus on like I preach that now all the time like I say it to myself I said to anyone that you know is going through anything tough because it hit me like a ton of bricks you get where you focus on so I can’t right now this second change the pain that I’m in I can’t right now change the distress that like not being able to eat not being able to set up I can’t change that but if all I’m doing is focusing on that I’m going to be sad I’m going to be mopey I’m going to be depressed I’m going to be down and that’s they’re not fun to be around so you really helped me change that question of thing in my mind right words like stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on you can do to change it one of the great things you can accomplish invite you know trying to change your gut biome and so so yeah those little things where you were supportive but you didn’t encourage the emotional downside to it you’re ready for something really trippin boys so pain as an impulse to the brain is exactly not like it’s the same but it there’s no sort of difference in that a car on the road whether it’s a you know a Volkswagen a BMW a Tesla doesn’t matter right they’re all a car on the road but the experience of those is all very different so you’ve got pain which is a signal like pleasure and then you have suffering which is actually a separate region of the brain and one of the things that I always found fascinating about hypnotism is when they hypnotize you what they’re doing is they’re shutting off your suffering so you’re not killing the pain impulse so they can get people to do stuff like put your hand in ice cold water they hypnotize you yeah they’re longer or and this is amazing I love this so much and if you want to know why I’m all about beauty and rage dig this for a second I want your full attention all right if I need you to endure pain do you know there’s one thing that you could do that would immediately I forget the percentage but it’s like significantly you could endure way more pain you note it is and but I don’t know if this is it but like maybe right yes we don’t win there let somebody get fucking angry the amount of pain that they can always like two or three times more just by getting mad that’s why when you get hurt you swear you cause because instantly like you’re using the neuro chemistry of the anger which actually has benefits which is why it stayed around from an evolutionary perspective as long as it has like when you can snap into that rage you can deal with a lot more pain so utterly fascinating anyway the whole reason I bring that up is just that there are things that you can do to modulate your suffering okay you’re not modulating the pain signal the pain signal is what the pain signal is but you can modulate suffering and that’s why I say you can’t necessarily choose whether or not you’re in pain but you absolutely control whether you’re suffering and if you just switch that part of your brain off like I’m not going to suffer from this that’s something I’ve used with cold I used to let cold really make me suffer and finally I was just like just turn that off right like don’t focus on it don’t suffer like literally switch that part of your brain off find a way to move towards it yeah and I also talked to myself to do that so like I would you know it was two years I’m still going through the you know digestive issues but not to the extent that I was and I remember like I just stopped saying it out loud right like my tummy has because I was it just kind of reinforces that thought in my mind right of like here poor me my tummy hurts like you can’t stand up it’s like fucking suck it up Lisa like you can’t complain about this every day like what’s wrong with you you know like it is what it is take actions to make it better but the more would feel sorry for myself or the more I think about it the more I would start to feel sad feeling depressed and so it’s like I knew that that wasn’t taking me anyway good and so yeah I was just that mindset of like yeah hurt and what and what what do Union say about it so kind of you know disconnecting the emotional side and you know not focusing getting also getting angry I mean just in general I think like even when lifting weights right like if I put on like an angry son and I paced back and forth and I start on like I will lift that hundred pounds like no fucking excuses I will list it I seen a woman who’s in her seventies who can live you know 130 pounds like stop peeing or worse get to it and I think that sometimes how I end up injuring myself but it’s but you know and I’ll distort our woman who like lifted up the car to save a rule room I think it is I like to believe it I was going to say thank you were humans are capable of amazing feats in certain situations so yeah the moral of that story is not awesome yeah all right let’s do a couple of shout out do it yeah we’ve got Britney Robinson in Japan nice thank you for joining us into Burma that’s all brittney robinson in japan yeah nyle name you expect in Japan I want to help Whitney Robinson why are you in Japan to some military brat thing is this like from the showgirls you’ve got to think the people’s names having you and their locations I do more than names I think I’ve got some cool ones here which yeah utterly fast me but anyway I want to know I know your story I have a thing for Japan as well he does have a thing for Japan and else Tina una joke over in Botswana oh thank you for joining us that one’s impressive both for the name and for the okay I know right and Mellor Salam Salam ah from Paraguay yeah awesome guys thank you very normal for kids that grew up in the era where oh yeah it’s talking to somebody from Paraguay or Botswana like was the thing for me that was not do you know what ham radio is no that was like somebody laughed so I’m guessing chase no thank you so ham radio back in the day was like the only way you could talk to somebody I mean you could do long-distance phone calls but they were so expensive and to encounter somebody randomly was like it basically didn’t happen ham radio was the way you could like tune in to somebody around the world and communicate with them it is I don’t want to take it for granted it’s amazing amazing that there are people engaging with us from around I know gotta say is um alright so let’s go to questions and this one’s from Chris Barrie what’s up Chris is very well what do you do when you and your partner perceive things differently and that is causing conflict it seems like inescapable cycle of a misunderstanding how do you get out of that god I love this question didn’t we just have something recently what was it it was like a total like we could not get on the same page and it was basically like we were yeah we were just perceiving things differently on recently I mean we do it all okay wasn’t given I don’t specifically where you headed so this means that you’re alive and you’re in a relationship because I think this happens all the time and people coming from different perspectives I mean even as long as you and I have been together it happens with a fair degree of frequency where you’re just coming at it from different points of view and you realize in moments like that that you bring so many assumptions to a conversation to word choice to all of that and when the person isn’t making the same assumptions they’re not looking at it from the same perspective it is so weird to have like what is happening right now one of the in like a normal conversation it really is just asking recursive questions usually hitting the brakes long enough emotionally because what I find for me is I begin to like it ratchets up like wait what are you talking about and then it’s just like all of a sudden you’re up here like what’s happening like because you it feels like the other person is messing with you if I’m completely unaware because you have this batch of assumptions and they have a totally different batch of assumptions but your assumptions are this is water right there invisible to you didn’t realize you’re making them so you think you’re talking about something that’s patently self-evident so when you’re saying these things and the person seems like they don’t understand it’s like okay what is it that because this is the something that happens with people a lot is your you don’t use the most direct language humanly possible so you might say something like let’s say that every Friday night we go to the same place every Friday every Friday every Friday and instead of saying hey I don’t want to go to that place anymore I’m getting kind of bored of that I’ve been meaning to tell you that for a couple weeks we were just caught up in all this momentum of always doing the same thing I don’t want to do that let’s stop and you know think about we’re new we might both enjoy going instead of that people will do something like this so where do you want to go to dinner tonight what do you mean like we go to the same place every time it’s like there’s the different levels that you’re speaking on the person actually means to say what I lead with but what they do is they ask a question and the question is so jarring that you begin to like gases what do you mean you know what I mean so that’s where things I think derail so getting to the point where you can articulate that feeling is the worst thing is I think nine times out of ten the reason they don’t articulate that feeling is because one it’s social convention you’re not people don’t think that they can just push their own agenda so they want to be soft about it and that’s problem number one and then problem number two is translating a feeling into a word they’re actually if I’m not mistaken their different sides of the brain so not even like different brain regions but actually different sides this is where split brain personality gets so interesting if I cut your corpus callosum so the thing that communicates between both sides I can get very different answers from you by showing you the same thing to one side versus the other so as you have that feeling on one side of your brain you’re actually not forming the words or even necessarily the intellectual idea that you could communicate with the other side of your brain so it stays locked over here in the emotion and then for whatever reason when you go to express that it expresses itself in the form of a question probably due to social convention and so you’re left like having this weird argument what the other person is like wait I’m just asking you a question the other person is like but yeah but your question doesn’t make any sense we go to the same place every time so what do you really try and ask me I’m not really trying to ask you anything I just want to know where you want to go right and it becomes that but you really are you’re trying to say something and that thing is I’ve been bored going to that restaurant I really want to switch it up we all do it all the time but if people and this is what I try to remind myself have a wall of assumptions that I’m totally invisible to hey I have these emotions that I’m now just for the first time beginning to articulate so even I don’t have a full intellectual grasp on what my feeling is and so in the translation from feeling to word there’s this huge chasm magnified by the assumptions and now we’re just like it all right so in those moments is a habit loop right and I kick in so the feeling of weird discontent is initiates the habit loop of slow down articulate internally what the feeling is once I know what the feeling is and this is this is something I’m very proud of in myself when I have a feeling I force myself to articulate it in my head and the motivation is petty I still admit it and so I’ll say oh whatever that makes me feel insecure or Jesus like this shouldn’t be this way I fully recognize that but it is and here is actually why I’m getting agitated in this moment but you have to use that feeling as a trigger for the habit loop to go through the gyrations of okay I have it and this is something that I think winds you up I’m actually relatively slow to process that stuff so I’m always like I can’t tell you why like with designing the house so we’re redoing the house my poor long-suffering wife handles all the logistics which is a typical email thing so poor you have to do all of that because that is just not how I’m wired and then on top of that I’ll look at something and it fills me with unease rage and so like and I don’t understand why and so I’m like I need time I don’t know why it just isn’t right and I can articulate it and that’s frustrating for everybody especially the person that is trying to book all the people that have to come and highly coordinated moments but I just know that feeling triggers my habit loop that I have to go inside I have to identify what it is even if it’s petty stupid whatever I need to own it and admit it but I need the time to figure out what it is but this is gotten to be a very long answer mr. berry that is really the loop that you have to get into so you have to figure out why you guys are on separate pages what’s causing the tension it’s almost certainly that people have feelings that they haven’t yet forced over to the other side of the brain to learn to articulate and until you can articulate it the other person can understand it yeah and the dinner thing is actually a really good example because for you you’ve you know said I make decisions all day every day so when it comes to dinner when it comes to weekends like I don’t want to make any decisions just decide so if you want to go somewhere else go somewhere else the thing is from my perspective is I want a bit of like at like I’m going to say romance but it’s not exactly but that kind of emotional connection was like oh baby you know like oh you don’t wanna go so I question alright so what kind of thing and I want like that engagement of sex because you’re keen and because you want to you know make me happy you see like you want to be involved in like booking the restaurant and finding somewhere and so I’m just like hey like she’s bring you something else I don’t think I realized like I just want to do something else I should just say to him I want to go somewhere else like you kind of go around it like see how he feels if he’s like like Mabel’s been looking forward to that steak all week the bitter cold came I worried so it’s like I try to tread carefully and I forget that you’re just like I don’t care and it’s not I don’t care about you right it’s that I don’t care where we go for dinner so it’s that kind of navigating those waters ongoing okay just be upfront babe I’m not happy like we keep going to the same place every weekend like let’s change places I really want your input because it’s meaningful to me and then you kind of break out of those you know those loops of like he doesn’t even care like he just said like forever like this is really meaningful I thought Saturday night were meaningful tm-2 it’s day nine you know you kind of just like let you take like the earth your thoughts and like a habit loop and you need to break out of that and the one phrase that we’ve now said is don’t what how god I’m going to miss it up and don’t want me to want to do the dishes like I’ll do the dishes because you want me to but you want me to want to right and so from the move a breakup is it really Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn I think it’s called the break-up okay oh it is Familia right so it’s like if I want you so if I want let’s just take dishes because it’s super easy and simple if I want you to do the dishes and you’re like okay I’ll do them but I have to ask a car you know like like didn’t it occur to him that I’m stressed out and I’ve got a lot of things on my plate pun not intended and I’ve got a lot of things on my plate and I just want him to help out now you’re not thinking about it you’re in your own world you’re doing your own thing and so the thought in your head of doing the dishes you don’t care about the dishes so why would you think about doing them now if I turn tunas like would you really be able to help me out and do the dishes to help me out you look schools baby but initially when we got together I wanted you to want to do the dishes and for some reason that was the main thing but now looking bad it’s actually stronger that you do it even when you don’t want to do it versus you wanting to do it so don’t want you to want to do the dishes just ask you this true and then going back to something you’re saying before it’s a collision of values right like you and by the way this is one of the reasons I love the show and one of the best pieces of advice that I have for anybody out there in a relationship you should probably do a show because it gives you a chance to answer all these really obscure questions that you would never think to ask each other but like just now I realized that the what you’re really going through with like wanting to like you like planning the dinner and all that like it triggers all the amazing things in you you like like logistics but you’re good enough at it that it’s there’s a difference between these things to think about that are easy to think about things that are hard to think about they talk about this book talk about it in the book kind of often confuses to its hit makers and then whatever I read right after hit makers which I think it was a thing I read after hit makers and it’s like things that are easy to think about cause you know like flow and then things that are difficult to think about cause disease and then in that unease you paint that on to the event so for me like thinking through all the logistics and all finding new place in the cognitive load and I’ve been thinking about you know I’ve been making decisions all day all day long from a thousand different angles so the last thing I want to do so for us it’s like I have this ease from it and you have flow right from wanting to get into that it doesn’t trigger any of that pain for you so for you it’s like this bonding experience to come together and decide it’s like you want to bond I wanted easy and it’s like I want to go to dinner and be able to bond because I don’t have to think about where we’re going so it’s like I want the deadly efficiency in a bowl honest what I secretly want is food to magically show up at the house I don’t have to leave the car nothing and less so now but you used to be really a big thing for you to want to go out yeah and so like you get those the collision of the two worlds we should probably move on even though I feel like no no actually I just want to take it one step further this goes back to testing and that was such a big thing in I write it down Don’t Ask Don’t Tell God I know these questions and ask questions and you have engaged for the people all right for the people what was it I don’t know oh good old Cindy on the walkie said she’s going to write it down thanks I invent assemblies and so it’s really the don’t test this is actually one it was I don’t say one of the biggest it’s close up there of changing our relationship so I think everyone has their own perception so if he buys me flowers it means he’s he cares if he buys me flowers if you White’s a nice poem in my blood remember my bursary but like has paid attention to the things that I’ve liked we went shopping three months ago and I picked up this thing and I said I really liked it like did he pay attention because you know that I actually want that for my birthday because I’ve actually hinted I wouldn’t be nice Avenue jacket and eventually we just it was like sometimes in all honesty I felt like you would fellow I would fail and I would sell right angle just even real for the people they say the story without glory I need to remember this is okay doesn’t remember the story so it was early on my relationship I think maybe even just a year in and is radical more thing to watch yeah yeah this is so embarrassing but go ahead this is a great letter other people here so and it’s Christmas time I see this watch Love Dare you know we didn’t have much money at all so it was a little bit expensive I don’t want to say anything and but like I’d be so cool if you bought me this watch and so I would look drop-dead Oh hints over time like over like a month or two before Christmas and at one point I think I even said like off you’ve been listening you’re like most certainly did that’s what spun me out yeah and he was like oh my god I know it is I don’t know I went into panic that I had no idea what we’ve been hitting him so I do like really think what has she been hinting about why is she been hanging about what has she been hitting like okay so what has she been in so then eventually you gave me some sort of impression like you’re going to be so proud your goodness he’s so impressed and this is when we were living in different countries so you were in America I was in England I’ve got this present and I’m waiting to open it to last because it’s like somebody hubby and I think I was your boyfriend I wasn’t us sorry yes that’s true but you know I saved the present for last and I’m so excited and I was like you know because in my head in the immaturity that I had it was he gets me right because like he knows the gift he’d get really love or nah he paid attention to me these are all the feelings that make me so special and I hope they keep mine before she tells me but I got her what she wanted was a watch what she got was like I am mortified I’m happy yes you had it right even whitening strips I have mentioned a few times that it wouldn’t that’s why you don’t him and what right Ronnie that day I was so traumatized and I’m seven myself hey I did go get you the watch let’s yes but I thought and the thing is like I was heartbroken it makes me laugh it made me loss of the sharor but it made me want to crawl like a fetal position cuz he was like what did I guess right there I guess right and in having a relationship oh we said we’d never lied to each other I couldn’t lie to you so I was like what teeth whitening strips but maybe not for Christmas is so hard but we were so far apart at the time yeah cause like this is emotionally stressful for me now like no I am still crisp on but it but it was a really strong lesson and the lesson was like don’t test the other person because here’s the thing he tried right you really did try to think about languages what was it that she would like and what was it she told me and it’s not nice nothing like you can deliver on it so we kind of said after that like be upfront and honest like don’t test me because you’re trying to test me as if it means like what I actually feel about you but it’s not right you have a people say you have an amazing memory because when it comes to statistics and remembering quotes like you have an incredible review you have tricked me because I know the story you read you know out of 100 percent you remember 10 percent but I just read that much you just read that much incorrect but you actually do have a terrible memory you won’t remember what we did last weekend he won’t remember what yet dinner yesterday and but it is what it is and if then I use memory as a signifier for how much you care about me I feel like very unloved yeah sadly I work forever and so we actually said to each other like don’t test each other because it’s not an accurate reflection of how they think about you so since then it was I always remind you of my birthday I will even say to what I is important for you to buy me a birthday card or not and I’ll say it in like a day before two days before like hey remember it’s my birthday remember to give people the information when there’s still time to do something about it yeah don’t do on the day we like well I was kind of hoping for this because now you’ve set them off for disaster like set them up for success so it’s baby I really want you to write something for me it doesn’t have to be in a card but it would be really meaningful for you to write them don’t buy me a present that’s what’s meaningful to me today and so just tell them exactly what you want and then see if then they’re able stage can basically deliver on it and even like I think I’ve set reminders in your phone before like and when we go out for dinner for my birthday it’s I want you to book I normally do all the bookings all of that I take care of all that but on my birthday for whatever reason it’s meaningful that you booked it now every year you forget that one last for the following year so I’ll just remind you hey it’s importantly you booked our restaurant for my birthday dinner like do you want me to set you an alarm to do it so yeah don’t Ted don’t test be honest be super up fun even if it’s petty right like yes it’s meaningful that you booked the restaurant it seems pathetic other people may be like really that’s what you focus on but it’s meaningful to me so set you up for success because it may be pathetic to you but if you know it’s meaningful to me you’re going to do a little not so on that note ah Brittney wrote back about Japan it was a lifelong dream to spend a year working here and I made it happen real life very important I’ve got four months left and it’s been amazing so far thank you for the shoutout Brittany that’s freaking awesome amazing amazing and all right oh here’s a question from Jonathan Adams I cheated on my girlfriend four months ago got her back finally and then a month ago she let me she left me again for liking girls pics on Instagram I didn’t mean anything I love her with all my heart but now she’s shut down and built up a brick wall I’ve never heard so much in my life how do I get through that wall and turn that switch back on with her who goes first man by all means if you guys I’m one of you hit it so it’s not just about the photo right it could have been anything you write you could be walking in the street and a pretty woman walks by and because she doesn’t trust you she’s got her eye on you to see if you look at her because then it just reinforces that see I told you he’s he’s a cheater or see I told you he’s you know he hasn’t changed and so until you can overcome that it doesn’t matter what you do look at girls photos on Instagram like a page you’re speaking to a colleague at work who happens to be female like it can be innocent but you haven’t overcome that yet and so clearly she doesn’t trust you and so one thing I would ask is you said it didn’t mean anything why did you do that Oh God so this is interesting this is going to get weird really fast so hey I totally get how a guy could have an affair and literally be like it really didn’t mean anything really so hang on listen honey just answer so if it was 100 percent sexual do you think that that like there could be tons of sex at home as well and you still go out and 100% so is it like self esteem oh hey girl coming on to me that makes me feel good Oh would definitely make them feel good that doesn’t mean that he has low self-esteem so yeah look I’ll give you the neurobiological underpinnings of what’s going on without saying that I think that this was smart behavior because clearly it was relationship destructive and so if you don’t get the result that you wanted it clearly wasn’t the right choice so just based on results I can tell you he made a mistake which I don’t think he would disagree with you can take a bowl you can take a rat they just do these studies with the small animals I would have probably holds true for chimps as well you put them in a cage with a known female they will have sex once and stop take that female out put a new female in and it’ll have sex again right away and then stop take that female out this is all like in in a matter of hours put a new female in to have sex again but they wouldn’t have had sex with the same one so pair-bonding comes down to vasopressin oxytocin it’s it is neurochemical there is you can actually and I think it was dr. Ayman that said that literally if you want to date his daughter he scans your brain for it’s like the uptake of vasopressin or something or the production of vasopressin I forget because it’s like there’s a gene that says how much that will impact you so for me it’s like sky-high right so I bond with you which is why I don’t have problems with commitments or anything like that because what I get from a shared life is is like ten 100x what I get from the exhilaration of sex with other people but it would be exhilarating like and to that’s where I think people get them in trouble it’s why you and I talked very early on the relationship it is not that I’m never going to find somebody attractive again I will for sure 100% if I see an attractive woman I will have a physiological response to that so if you take that personally we’ve now got a problem because you’re just fighting biology however I’m committed to you I want to be in this I get something so much more out of that sacrifice in that commitment then I get from the neuro chemistry of you know having somebody find me attractive having somebody desire me which is incredibly potent and then like anything that rush of neuro chemistry is like a drug so if he has a propensity for addictive behavior whatever that rush may be so strong for him that it overwhelms what he gets from pair-bonding now that doesn’t mean that obviously he’s talking about even anguish he’s never experienced pain like this before so it doesn’t mean that there’s not repercussions and all of that also the prefrontal cortex I’m going to guess this is a guess but I’m going to guess that he’s young and if he’s less than 25 the prefrontal cortex is going to stop developing until you’re 25 none of these are excuses because you either get the result that you want or you don’t and that is all that matters to me and so somebody young can of course put themselves in a position where they don’t cheat I’m just saying like I’m explaining the neurobiology show that is in now to answer the question he actually asked there’s no getting back together not now take a year off I just think that the way the human mind works if you guys go discover yourselves for a year look the pain is real and the pain will suck but the pain will dissipate there’s just no two ways about it and I think he will learn way more about himself and about his relationship to the neuro chemistry of sex by accepting the consequences of his actions giving her the space that she needs to like refined herself reestablish herself because not trust somebody like there is no point to being in the relationship none none if that person doesn’t make you feel like they’re number one okay so feeling totally subjective but the only thing I’ve ever encountered in my life that made the sacrifices of a relationship makes sense is I want to be somebody’s number one now there’s something about the passage of time and I think if they go off and have individualized experiences they may realize whoa despite that like I’ve never felt with somebody else with it I felt with him but I need time you need to go do things you need to go discover things you need to accept that you did something really fucking dumb from the perspective of I wanted to have a long lasting meaningful relationship with this person and I acted in you know discord with that and I got this also to be frank like maybe monogamy is not this guy’s thing may be it’s never going to be his thing and he will forever swing in moments of loving being in a pair of bonded relationship and the moments of not and so there are certainly lifestyles to explore that don’t that aren’t predicated on monogamy read the book truth by Neil Strauss I’m almost certain it’s called true PV by Neil Strauss an utterly fascinating look at his own exploration with non-monogamous relationships which for him resulted in he was the guy that wrote the game which is about pickup culture but for him it he chased like every sort of non-monogamous variation of relationships there is only to realize actually what I want is to work through the issues that he had am not saying this guy has the same issues but just he had relationship issues that were from his childhood now that got past that partly from therapy and partly from exploring and has since been able to maintain a monogamous relationship but he had to work through all of that but I don’t play some moral judgment on monogamy for me it is purely a question of are you open and honest and are you both actually getting from the equation what you want and if you are phenomenal and if you’re not then one of you has to change them yeah I mean I agree the problem and I think you’re right right he needs to really ask himself like why did he cheat if if it’s just the you get the him hermano you know response and it makes him feel good and it gets in the wash and stuff and then as the woman like I can’t help you with that so she so like if it was me why I so love you and I want to be with you desperately but if the reason being was like it just felt good I’d have to break up with you because there’s no oak how do you overcome that right it’s not I feel really down on myself and you know work was going terribly I got fired from work and so I just wanted to feel needed I’m not saying that any reason so you an excuse no I wouldn’t excuse it but we’ve already had that that talk from the beginning so when we first met I said to there’s two things that I will never forgive you one this one we first met and I won’t forgive you if you ever cheat on me because that means I can’t trust you again and if you ever hit me so those are the two things for me that were like I will not overcome but look I don’t pass judgment on people who do forgive people that sheet and it’s just you need to find out what that is and you have to work on it like if you choose to stay in that relationship what are you doing differently because if you’re not doing anything really so can you give a single example people that we know I’m not saying the examples are out there but people that we have firsthand relationship with that have truly gotten past infidelity without taking time off think about people who I don’t think so and yeah I don’t necessarily like that such an imbalance I don’t I I don’t really think that that’s the right thing for everybody like you may want to like dig in deep find out the real reason work on that and I don’t know just open up therapy right there close Willington you figure out like why what caused it in the first place and both sides are willing but and until you have those discussions until you make those changes until you actually sit down what are we going to do differently how did we come to this point like whatever the reason why I was drunk I don’t want to make any excuses but figuring this is interesting you need there to be a reason yeah interesting chemistry of evolution that is been called but having a bad day at work and being drunk boy I tell you why because what are you going to change it if it’s purely just like she was hot and I wanted to get some what are you gonna change self-discipline commitment right how dry your room alright so has that actually been discussed like oh my god my impulse was and I need to discuss that and figure out then how to get to that next level but if it was just like I don’t know why I did it you can’t tell or what if the answer was legitimately I know exactly I’ve had time to think about it I know exactly why I did it it was the drug like intoxication of being desired right okay so there’ll be multiple things and again like I haven’t been in this situation so I’m just kind of thinking about what I would want to do and I think it’ll be like okay so what are you going to change so that right self-discipline how are you going to practice self-discipline so I can see that and also whether you like it or not there has been that effect on me and so this is what I need from you to get the trust back it may be silly right it may be I don’t want you ever talking to another woman unsocial per month but I’m just it might be silly but like every what you need to be honest because if that person isn’t feeling like they’re you know like they’re your number one anymore you have to give them the keys to the kingdom and say this is what’s going to make me feel like you’re number one again and if you disagree then call now at least you know she wants me to do X I’m not willing to do X that means that we can’t go any further but until you have those discussions like how do you overcome that problem you can’t and so now you’re kind of just pushing it aside hoping that telling her you love her is going to make a difference which it won’t just blind have flowers every so often hoping that that’s going to make a difference it won’t so I think you need to be very honest in what you need and then see if you’re both willing to do it because maybe he’s willing to do it I think the likelihood that that ends in crazy town is rapidly approaching 100 percent I think the only advice that we can give in good conscience is split up or get therapy yes yes hundred percent sir so that’s what I mean by like therapy like talking about it talking about what you know I’m just saying there’s a real different strength talking about it and talking about it with a professional who can help you develop the tools that you need to get by but that was very interesting thank you for the vulnerability and I really really thank you and I so some people have asked about my shirt nice yeah so an custom version of your shirt I trust so is there an impact every t-shirt – geld and there is it’s called the impact Theory t-shirt for boys with scissors and you and it’s like Rogoff but we’re working on that yeah we all working on it because you know I love to rep what I believe and technically it’s unisex yeah and I do just cut the arms and I have a shirt has like those cuts in the back and so I’m trying to learn how to do those like cool design cutting in the back and when I say learn I mean just ask a few people but see I just customized them but right now you can buy them on our impact Theory website you can impact theory comm click on the shop link Store link store shop which is it they’ll figure it out extortion area finding and all right we’ve got time for one more question well with only four minutes left oh you see yuria well we went deep I’m like – question how would you yeah can we get can we do rapid-fire we’re going to read the questions and fun is good okay and then wrap the questions what if it’s not a rapid on demanding and all right okay so this is from Nicole tattletale Sir Thomas is just wow Tom has described Lisa as being a ninja when it comes to supporting him at his lowest moment can you talk more about this what does it take to support someone’s back to being their best self and how do you not get stuck in the negativity while you support and so I mean I can but this is really about you yeah and what makes you a ninja it’s so your card is multiple things to this it’s knowing that you’re my number one so I would do anything to to help support you and so what does that mean right like there’s emotional support there’s emotional support within yourself there’s a support within the company support within your beliefs and your vision and so ultimately I think everybody wants to feel like there’s someone on your side and so no matter what happens I think about my actions and I think does he feel like I’m on his side now that doesn’t mean just agree to everything right like I’m far from just agreeing to everything that you want to do or and but it’s about you to work on them yeah and but it’s going like what is your priorities my priorities is you is feeling like you have somebody there for you your number right that you’re someone’s number one and and if that is my priority everything else has to then be secondary so if it comes to make a decision based on money making a decision based on time situations like all of that the first thing I ask myself is does does he feel like he’s not my number one because if since let’s take quest for exam and you in a job that you hated before quest awareness technologies you were just miserable you know eight years grinding out grinding it out and the reason why when eight years I think was a big thing is like look if this is what you need to do then do it and then going what is the worst-case scenario right so right now you’re unhappy I want to try and help you with there with that and then we started talking about like outlandish ideas you were like what if we just left and left the country and we were creatives and we just sat on the beach in Greece and I got to learn the language you know dive deep in the culture and we could write and be creative and I thought here’s a guy who’s for eight years just soul has been sucked out and this is sparking you and I haven’t seen the spark in a while and I want to encourage that because they see how much that makes you look you seem alive so if I’m thinking about the financial situation our apartment or going to do about visas like for what is my family going to say we’ve just spent eight years trying to do this one thing what are we just going to walk away from it but all these thoughts and worries and things that go in my head and none of it mattered because I knew my priority my priority was you and seeing that spark alive is like okay I this an opportunity for me to encourage that and so everything else will work itself out and so when you’re down it’s making sure that you know that I am that support but again not kind of level talking about earlier with my digestive issues is not coming down to that level and you’ve given this example before but it’s true right like when you’re knocked to your knees I don’t sit down next to you and cry with you and say whoa with us right I say babe it sucks now let’s fucking fight this like I’m here all the way let’s do this like so empowering you to get that strength and not feeling sorry for you yeah kind of sir no no that’s good in that the last part was what I was going to add to that if you didn’t and that to me is the most important remind the person who they’re trying to become right? You use my words against me very effectively: you remind me you get what you focus on and that you really can’t have sympathy for somebody without pity and I think at the end of the day nobody wants to be pitied. I want empathy I want you to understand but I don’t want you to sympathize and get on your knees and cry with me so all right we’ve got to be way over time at this point I fear that an alarm is best go off um what’s that oh Well there’s one thing I want to add to that and having kind of mantras and quotes you just repeat over to yourself like for me is very powerful and the one thing I always tell myself is sink or swim either way baby we go together that’s it. Like sink or swim if we succeed we’ll be together if we fall and drown we’ll be together but it doesn’t… that doesn’t matter it’s the being together part that is the biggest thing for me so I don’t focus on and the highs and the lows versus you know are we on that same level and do we support each other throughout that nice and you do say that question all right guys thank you so much for joining us here at relationship theory it always has been a lot of fun we went hella deep on like very few questions but those were some pretty amazing questions and we are eternally grateful to you guys for asking those questions and for being a part of this community we’re reading all of your comments we are super super grateful for the amount of engagement that we get we don’t take a single comment for granted it really is us and by us I mean me replying to all the comments and we will keep jabbing at this one and hopefully taking away some of our other responsibilities so that she can get out there and be social as well oh and I’m going off to that we’ve got annoyed yeah we’ve got another we’ve got another intern Ibrahim whoa he’s downstairs getting trained but we’ll bring him up another day but yeah so another you know impact of this making a difference here impact Theory indeed all right guys if you haven’t already be sure to subscribe this is weekly show and until next time my friends be legendary legendary

13 comments on “Relationship Theory: Supporting Your Partner and Trust

  1. MaiVibe Post author

    Every time I see a Relationship Episode I can NOT contain myself, have to listen to it! You guys ROCK! GREAT ENERGY & AMAZING INFORMACIÓN 🙏 Love you Tom, Lisa & Team 👍

  2. Ashley Briggs Post author

    first, I'll have to try that rage thing to overcome pain. very cool, never heard that before. I've also heard that years and years of meditation increases your tolerance. very cool stuff.

    second, 'you have to be willing to try to claw your way out of depression' – if I understood your view correctly, I think you're wrong. there are states and patterns that pinion you, learned helplessness, violated identity, etc., and lack of hope and effort and willingness to try to claw your way out result from those. do you know rat park? or tony robbins' whole philosophy of the triad, one corner of which is physiology, change your body change your state. or you find the proper leverage…I really believe you can 'trick'/ influence people to get to the place of wanting to help themselves, if you're strategic enough. though I feel like you know all this, so I'm curious why you say selecting someone active in pursuing their recovery is so critical?

  3. AZMDfierce889 Post author

    love your relationship theory series and the example you 2 lead on balancing a long term relationship as a power couple!

  4. Ana Isabel Mena Post author

    Dear Bilyeus!!! Thank you so much for doing relationship theory. Thanks for being so open and generous. This are very private and intime themes and it is really great that you share so much with us 💙
    NICE ONE: "I am not trying to convince people, I am trying to be a tool to people who are already convinced"
    PS: Lisa! I thought you were wearing gloves and I thought: that's super fancy, like Madonna! …and then I remembered you are actually injured 😳 But I think it looks pretty cool 🤘🏽😎
    PS2: looking forward to the girls IT Shirt!!! 😊

  5. Marytere Martínez Post author

    Haha finally Tom introduced Lisa!
    #ImpactSub. Thank you guys, you have no idea how valuable this is. HUGE. I've stoped 'testing' my friends and family and also saying what I really want and asking them what they want. I'll be honest, I still slip a LOT of times but the few times I did it, it changed the whole thing, for the better.

  6. Ellen Li Post author

    it is beautiful to see how you two emotionally support each other in each lowest point of your life , emotional support is very important element in a relationship . imagine if one of you were putting the other down while the other at his lowest, then there would be no relationship. thanks for being a great example <3 for us !

  7. Callea D. Butz Post author

    Omgsh stop seriously how freakin cute is Lisa 😩💕💕 Love your guys' insight and well-reasoned and honest perspectives!! This (Relationship Theory) and all of the other Bilyeu content provides so much value– so grateful! Keep it up you guys, thank you! 👊🏼

  8. Ariel Ambrose Post author

    45:10 yep. The basics *hit to me is interchangeable with any unremorseful and deliberate abuse. Like sex without consent.


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