Pizzagate Is An Alt-Right Fever Dream


WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. WE HAVE A LOT OF FUN HERE AT
“THE LATE SHOW” TALKING ABOUT THE NEWS OF THE DAY, BUT I HOPE
YOU DON’T GET YOUR NEWS FROM ME BECAUSE, NEWS FLASH: THIS ISN’T
NEWS. THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT. IF YOU WANT NEWS GO TO CBS’ JOHN
DICKERSON OR THE “WITH THE JOURNAL.” BUT DON’T GO TO SOME ANONYMOUS
GUY ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BECAUSE A LOT OF THE NEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA
IS A LIE. AND NOT JUST BECAUSE BRIAN
CLAIMS HE’S TOTALLY OVER LISA AND IS HAVING A GREAT TIME ON
HIS SOLO TRIP TO ICELAND. THERE’S SO MUCH FAKE NEWS OUT
THERE, AND IT’S HAVING SUCH AN INFLUENCE ON OUR LIVES THAT
TODAY– AND THIS IS TRUE– POPE FRANCIS SAID:
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF THE POPE’S TALKING POOP,
YOU KNOW WE’RE IN DEEP DOO-DOO. ( APPLAUSE ).( CHEERS )
AND THE CRAZIEST–
AND THE CRAZIEST FAKE NEWS OF
ALL IS SOMETHING CALLED PIZZAGATE. PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE A
CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HILLARY CLINTON AND HER FORMER CAMPAIGN
MANAGER, JOHN PODESTA, RAN A CHILD SEX RING AT A PIZZERIA
IN D.C. THIS IS A LIE. WE ALL KNOW THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO
ARE TRAPPED IN A PIZZA PLACE ARE THOSE ROBOTS AT CHUCK E. CHEESE. ( LAUGHTER )
I’VE SEEN “WESTWORLD.” ONE DAY THEY’RE GOING TO RISE UP
AND KILL US ALL. NOW, ACCORDING TO THE FOLKS WITH
THE SPIDER EGGS HATCHING IN THEIR BRAINS, CLINTON AND
PODESTA HAVE A SERIES OF SMUGGLING TUNNELS THAT CONNECT
TO THE BASEMENT OF THE PIZZERIA, BUT POLICE REFUSED TO
INVESTIGATE THE BASEMENT CRIME SCENE ON THE FLIMSY EXCUSE THAT
THE PIZZERIA DOES NOT HAVE A BASEMENT. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT’S HOW DEEP THIS GOES– GROUND LEVEL. SO WHERE DID THIS CONSPIRACY
THEORY START? APPARENTLY SOME ALT-RIGHT FOLKS
WERE COMBING THROUGH CLINTON CAMPAIGN EMAILS HACKED BY RUSSIA
AND PUBLISHED BY WIKILEAKS AND NOTICED THERE SEEMED TO BE MORE
REFERENCES TO PIZZA AND PIZZERIAS THAN THEY HAD
EXPECTED, WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING: SECRET SEX RING. ( LAUGHTER )
A LOT OF UNINFORMED, GULLIBLE PEOPLE FELL FOR THE
CLINTON-PODESTA SEX RING THEORY, PEOPLE LIKE TRUMP’S PICK FOR
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, MICHAEL FLYNN, WHO TWEETED OUT A
LINK, WRITING, “NEW HILLARY EMAILS: MONEY LAUNDERING, SEX
CRIMES WITH CHILDREN, ETC. MUST READ!”
INTRODUCING IT, “U DECIDE!” OKAY! THEN, I DECIDE A GUY WHO SPREADS
THIS BULL-(BLEEP) SHOULDN’T BE IN CHARGE OF NATIONAL
SECURITY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND HERE’S THE THING– HERE’S THE THING. DONALDONALD TRUMP’S TRANSITION T
HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT THIS IS DISQUALIFYING MADNESS, AND
THEY’VE DONE THE RIGHT THING, BY FIRING MICHAEL FLYNN’S SON FOR
TWEETING ABOUT PIZZAGATE. PHEW! WE REALLY DODGED ONE OF THE
BULLETS HERE. SO, PRETTY WEIRD, BUT HARMLESS
FUN, RIGHT? WRONG, BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND,
THIS HAPPENED.>>POLICE SAY A 28-YEAR-OLD
GUNMAN ENTERED COMET PING PONG AND FIRED OFF AN ASSAULT RIFLE. THE SHOOTER CLAIMS HE WAS
INVESTIGATING THE SO-CALLED “PIZZAGATE STORY.”>>Stephen: THANKFULLY, NO ONE
WAS HURT, BUT IT DOES RAISE DISTURBING QUESTIONS LIKE, WHO
NAMES A PIZZA PLACE “COMET PING PONG”? WAS “ASTEROID AIR HOCKEY”
ALREADY TAKEN? ( LAUGHTER )
AND THIS INTERNET MAKE-‘EM-UP DOESN’T JUST IMPLICATE MY
FAVORITE FOOD. IT IMPLICATES MY FAVORITE ME,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO SOME FOLKS ON REDDIT, I’M IN ON PIZZAGATE. BECAUSE AT THE END MY ELECTION
NIGHT SPECIAL, I TALKED ABOUT PIZZA, WHICH THEY CALLED– ALL
CAPS– “CREEPY.” THIS IS INSANE. I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PART IN THE
PIZZAGATE CONSPIRACY… IS WHAT THEY WANT ME TO SAY! ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE AS THESE SUPER-SLEUTHS,
THESE DA VINCI CHOADS HAVE FIGURED OUT, I’M ON THE CLINTON
PAYROLL. THEIR EVIDENCE: WIKILEAKS IS NOW
TWEETING AN EMAIL SENT TO JOHN PODESTA THREE YEARS AGO THAT
SOME REDDIT FOLKS SAY “REVEALS COLBERT IS DIRECTLY INSTRUCTED
BY POLITICIANS ON WHAT TO PUT ON HIS SHOW (DISGUSTING).” WAIT A SECOND. WHY IS THAT “DISGUSTING” HIDDEN
IN THOSE PARENTHESES? WHAT DOES IT KNOW? DID CLINTON TRAP IT THERE? I’VE ALWAYS SAID PARENTHESES ARE
THE BASEMENT OF PUNCTUATION. ( LAUGHTER )
NOW– DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. IT’S SPOOKY. NOW HERE’S WHERE IT GETS… GOOD? THE EMAIL IN QUESTION IS ABOUT
MY INTERVIEW WITH BILL CLINTON ON STAGE DURING THE CLINTON
GLOBAL INITIATIVE AT WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY IN 2013. CLINTON’S PRESS REP WROTE TO
JOHN PODESTA, “I HOPE YOU GOT A CHANCE TO SEE ‘THE COLBERT
REPORT’S’ TWO SPECIAL EPISODES I HAD THEM DO ABOUT C.G.I.-U.” NOW, I AM FLATTERED THAT THIS
GUY CONSIDERED IT AN ACHIEVEMENT THAT HE SOMEHOW BOOKED PRESIDENT
CLINTON ON MY BASIC CABLE NEWS PARODY PUPPET SHOW. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT BECAUSE THIS STAFFER TOOK CREDIT FOR GETTING BILL ON THE
SHOW, THEY THINK I’M ON HILLARY’S PAYROLL. FOR THE RECORD: SHE CAN’T
AFFORD ME. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT–
BUT I’VE GOT TO SAY, THIS EMAIL BLOWS THE LID OFF OF WHAT THE
ILLUMINATI CALL “TALK SHOWS,” AND NO ONE BLOWS LID QUITE LIKE
HOST OF “INFO WARS,” TRUMP ADVISOR AND ALIEN SASQUATCH LOVE
CHILD, ALEX P. JONES.>>JOHN, I HOPE YOU GOT THE
CHANCE TO SEE “THE COLBERT REPORT’S” TWO SPECIAL EPISODES. SO “THE COLBERT REPORT” SPECIAL
EPISODES– THAT WAS THE TITLE OF IT– THAT’S WHAT THEY’RE DOING
IS, IS EVERY MAJOR MEDIA OUTLET COORDINATING, SCRIPTING IT. YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW THAT WHEN
OBAMA GOES ON “JIMMY FALLON LIVE” AND HAS SOME SCRIPTED
PIECE RIFFING OFF OF JAZZ AND IT’S ALL PERFECTLY DONE, IT’S
ALL CHOREOGRAPHED, AND THEY ARE CHOREOGRAPHING THINGS. IT’S DISGUSTING.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH, HE’S RIGHT. IT’S NOT JUST ME IN TH
CONSPIRACY. IT’S THAT SHOW “JIMMY FALLON
LIVE” AND THEIR FAMOUS SEGMENT, “SLOW JAZZING THE NEWS
RIFF-OFF.” IT’S ALL CHOREOGRAPHED. I’M STARTING TO THINK THESE
SHOWS MIGHT BE REHEARSED. ( LAUGHTER )
I’M BUSTED. ( APPLAUSE )
WE’RE BUSTED! YOU GOT ME! YOU GOT ME! THE EMAIL PROVES IT! I ASKED BILL CLINTON TO COME ON
THE SHOW. HIS GUY SAID, “OKAY. COULD YOU DO IT IN ST. LOUIS? BECAUSE HE’S DOING HIS CHARITY
THING, AND HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT.” AND WE SAID, “YES.” THEN, WE FILMED THE WHOLE THING,
PUT IT ON TV, AND EVEN PUT COMMERCIALS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF IT. OH, MY GOD! WE WERE IN IT FOR THE MONEY! ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S LIKE THESE SHOWS ARE SOME KIND OF BUSINESS! ( LAUGHTER )
LISTEN, LISTEN. THE SCARY PART IS, HOW HIGH DOES
THIS GO? ALL THE WAY TO OUR NEXT
PRESIDENT, BECAUSE WHEN DONALD TRUMP WAS ON THIS VERY SHOW–
AND I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE FORCED ME TO ADMIT THIS– WE
TALKED TO DONALD TRUMP BEFORE HE CAME ON. AND I HOLD IN MY HAND THE ACTUAL
PRE-INTERVIEW WE DID WITH DONALD TRUMP DAYS BEFORE, WHERE WE TOLD
HIM WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT, AND HE TOLD US WHAT HE WANTED TO
TALK ABOUT. THEN WE HAD HIM ON, TALKED ABOUT
IT– I THINK HE HAD A PRETTY GOOD TIME– AND I TREATED HIM
WITH RESPECT. YOU KNOW WHO DIDN’T LIKE THAT? LIBERALS. YOU CAN LOOK IT UP. IT’S A FUN READ. NOW THAT HE’S GOING TO BE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, THIS IS AN ACTUAL HISTORICAL
DOCUMENT. IT SHOULD BE IN THE NATIONAL
ARCHIVES. AND HE SAYS SOME GOOD STUFF IN
HERE, STUFF THAT I WOULD LIKE TO READ TO YOU RIGHT NOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT I’M NOT GOING TO. ( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE THERE’S AN UNDERSTANDING THAT THIS IS PRIVATE. BETWEEN ME AND A GUEST THERE’S A
TACIT AGREEMENT. SO…>>Audience: OOOOOH!>>Stephen: OKAY. I HAVE ANOTHER COPY, OF COURSE,. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT I’M NOT GOING TO READ THAT, EITHER, BECAUSE HERE’S WHAT
THESE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS DON’T GET: THERE’S A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A CONSPIRACY AND AN AGREEMENT. A CONSPIRACY IS WHAT VILLAINS
DO. AN AGREEMENT IS WHAT ADULTS DO. LOOK AROUND THE COUNTRY. WOULDN’T YOU AGREE WE NEED SOME
MORE ADULTS? ( APPLAUSE )
SO WIKILEAKS, ALEX JONES, AND THE SUBREDDIT SUBGENIUSES–
AND I MEAN THIS IN THE NICEST WAY POSSIBLE– GROW THE
(BLEEP) UP.

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