100 comments on “Healing From An Emotionally Unavailable Father | Kati Morton

  1. ZophieWithAZ Post author

    More videos about fathers who are problematic would be really great, especially regarding emotionally abusive fathers. I feel like people often forget how damaging emotional abuse is.

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  2. Lali Post author

    All of the last 5 you mentioned were mine. He later became absent in my life, he told me it was because he couldn't take care of himself. I just wish he would try.

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  3. Mrs T Post author

    Missing my dad since 1975. He was absent or unpredictable. I can't pick a decent man if my life depended on it. So I don't pick. But my constant is that I will always loved the flawed man who helped to give me my life. I do a lot of good and it is always in honor of my damaged but essentially good dad.

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  4. IAN95 Post author

    This was so incredibly helpful. Thank you so much for helping to begin the process of understanding what was going on when I was a child and how it still affects me today.

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  5. UltraHuman Post author

    ??? I'm so proud of my fiancé being there for our kids, but his relationship with his own father (who passed away when he was 17, making it all worse) still negatively impacts him in many ways and our relationship struggles. Thank you for your work ??️

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  6. Brownwoman ofGod Post author

    I was quiet and compliant, just trying not to get in trouble from what I can remember. I also daydreamed, which is still something I tend to do. My mind will go to the most random of places.

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  7. Sup-91 nom Post author

    I push People away… even of I like them.. and I trust them.. idk why… I just let fruendships die. and I cant be myself. Idk how to be myself. Its like suddenly im empty inside and I dont feel or think anything…

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  8. Jack Daw Post author

    One day as a child, my mother kicked my father out of the house for good – he was verbally abusive and couldn't control his temper. He became homeless for a little while, then managed to move to America, turned his life around and got married. I was 8 the last time I saw him. Since that day, I locked myself away in my bedroom, never getting over it. Now, turning 27 with my own place… I still isolate myself from the world.

    Two years ago, I finally saved up enough to go on holiday in the US. We made plans to meet and I was so excited. He would still often phone me and stay in contact that way. I was determined to have that son and father relationship we both always needed. A few months before taking the flight, he got diagnosed with cancer called mesothelioma. He got taken away from me again, but for final this time. The last thing I got to say over the phone was "I love you", to which he then passed away.

    I miss his 2/3 hour long phone calls… yet I feel so conflicted. I forgave him for what he did, of course – he had problems of his own. He turned his life around… he became a completely different person which I was so proud of. But it never changed the experience I had as a child.

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  9. joseph ng'ang'a Post author

    You need to do more of this. I was brought up by an ever present dad but he was abusive and a personal hater. He would throw away my pets and never visited me or bothered to know how I was doing in school. I am now an adult and we have zero connection. I don’t even have his number and it is more than awkward when we meet

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  10. Elizabeth Vaughn Post author

    Mine was 2-5. A crack & cocaine addict who possibly had NPD or ASPD (he was diagnosed as the latter, but according to him, that’s what he was gunning for). He was only occasionally physically abusive (in the form of spankings for doing things that didn’t really deserve it) and was mainly verbally and emotionally abusive. And, being an actively using addict, was not reliable at all. I’ve been trying to unpack things these past couple of months, but I’m not sure what to do afterwards. The last therapist I had didn’t really help with that. He just gave me coping mechanisms for my depression and anxiety.

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  11. Saurav Suman Post author

    Don't tell father that how to become father he is everything a creator of child life to life lesson

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  12. Nicole Cerati Post author

    I have a question: can you heal in the same place where you got sick? Because I can't take It anymore and in my heart I feel that when I'll move places, our relationship will change. Thank you

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  13. Tree Tree Post author

    Kati it seems you have a father wound too still very much on the surface! I can see it irks you this topic. So painful. I didn’t find this video that profound or go that deep into this insanely painful wound.

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  14. Mzuvukile Mbangata Post author

    I don't know what I did to my father. From day 1 on this earth. He was never there but he is alive.

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  15. Ellie S Post author

    My parents got divorced and both remarried. I cannot say that my dad completely abandoned me but he certainly was not there and was more like a distant relative. As a was growing up the feelings of longing for his attention turned into annoyance and disgust. When I realized that it’s the build up anger I actually told him how I truly feel in hope to start an honest dialogue. Sometimes all we need to hear is a simple “sorry” but instead I got something like “get over it.” This feeling of childhood resentment is so strong and is coming from such unconscious places in our brains that it’s impossible to fight. I have always thought that I must forgive him but I truly believe that it’s not possible to shake that instinctual emotion… this is a very complex topic

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  16. Uni corn Post author

    I can't even recall much memories from my childhood, especially moments with my father. Stupid coping mechanism.

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  17. cute panda Post author

    My dad used to act as if I was his favourite child! Now he hates me?..it breaks my heart.he is indifferent to me now.why?!!!!!please help

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  18. Christina Post author

    My father is emotionally absent, controlling, and verbally abusive. Unfortunately I have to live with him until I transfer colleges in August. It’s easier dealing with him when I don’t live with him. I spent so much time wondering why he didn’t love me, and now I have peace in knowing that he is mentally ill and could not love me properly. I hope one day he seeks help. I struggled with trust and commitment issues because of my relationship with my father as well as low self esteem. But I work hard now to work through those issues and not allow them to affect my relationships.

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  19. cupcake letsplay Post author

    I have a dad but…..he's not mying but he's better than the one that gave me nothing >:3

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  20. Isabella B. Post author

    This video helped me reevaluate my coping strategies for the better. I had no idea how much my relationship with my father was influencing my approach towards my partner. Thank you so much.

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  21. Blackpilled Saint Post author

    I have an emotionally absent father and an insecure overprotective mother. Naturally I’m an unemployed failure ?

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  22. Melanie Dsouza Post author

    My father was emotionally absent… I knew he loved me even though he was not vocal about it and he placed the needs of his family before himself and has made many sacrifices for the sake of my well being… yet deep down there has been this validation I wanted from him… it was affecting me subconcioiusly and I did not know that for a very long time… this emotional absence i had been deprived of as a child and the words I wanted to hear from him made me fall prey into celebrity crushes…and moresover celebrity worship…. It made me feel complete and helped to fix the broken pieces in my life… I eventually grew out of this toxic desire… but that absence still is felt inside of me and I am certain it will go away from me..

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  23. Shelly Belly Post author

    I have an emotionally unavailable father. I am in my 40’s with two young boys. I entered therapy 4 years ago to deal with the emotional affects of having a major heart issue which thankfully has been resolved.

    I ended up discussing my relationship with my father in many of my therapy sessions. The greatest discovery came when the therapist interrupted me and asked, “What is it that you want from your father?”

    I sat silent because I knew there was no acceptable answer. My father is so emotionally unavailable that he will never be able to offer anything I ever needed of him. These rush of thoughts came in seconds and hit me like a bomb.

    I began to think out loud and I said, “What matters is that I can offer my boys everything he can’t. So they will have an unavailable grandfather BUT they have a father that’s present.”

    It was the most cathartic emotionally liberating feeling. Being a father to my children has healed me.

    My father always drew a line in the sand and I coalesced in order to keep a relationship with him. Now that I have discontinued doing this, he has not talked to me in years nor has he seen his grandsons, even though we are minutes away.

    I am ok with it though. I am happy that my boys have so much love from me and my wife. We even recently made a decision so I can be a stay at home father. Considering I was raised by a single working mom, I am so grateful that we are in a financial position to provide this opportunity to my children.

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  24. Beryl Walubengo Post author

    Been lying to myself that I have a nice father. Lying. ?I am so heartbroken noticing how his influence has an impact on me

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  25. RonLarhz Post author

    I let my guard(wall) down after a long time and ended up hurt yet again.

    Never ever again.

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  26. Will Neverforgets Post author

    Abusive mother and covert alcoholic father… that sums it up for me. My coping mechanism was to work hard in school to leave asap, and be an introvert in my own world. I dragged this into my adult life, and tried to please everyone at work, only to get used, always trying to make everyone happy… when it wasn't my responsibility. I used alcohol abusively to cope with my inner depression and anxiety. I am recovering and finding things about me I would have never thought would be possible I am at last being myself. I have still some work to do, but I a notice a lot of changes.

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  27. JUNKO Enoshina Post author

    My dad does not care about me.
    I kinda hope he goes to jail I don’t know why.???☹️?????????

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  28. Alysha Kruger Post author

    My dad has crippling depression. My family is amazing and happy before he walks in the door each night. He changes the way our entire family feels in an instant. He would give us the silent treatment, then he would be a loving person and we’d enjoy him, then he’d be silent again. That hurt so much, when I was little I thought I did something wrong. Now that I understand he does that, I don’t get drawn in anymore. I wish he would get help but he gets angry when we ask him. Even his mom knows he’s depressed. He says he doesn’t love me anymore and I know it’s the illness talking. I miss him so much, but if he doesn’t get help I can’t help but think he’s gone… I don’t know what to do anymore.

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  29. Miko Post author

    My mum is emotionally abusive. It's probably the reason why my dad tries to spend as little time at home as he could. (At least that's what I'd like to believe, or else it would just be because he doesn't give a shit about my sisters and I. I'd rather take the former reason.) He claims to be a good listener, which he obviously isn't. He'd come home and suddenly explodes at little things that he doesn't want to see. For example a little piece of tissue paper that someone dropped on the floor in the toilet. He really could've just asked nicely for someone to pick it up, or he could've picked it up himself. He clearly has emotional issues but he always chooses to numb them out by going out to have fun. He usually plays table tennis. It's his fav thing to do and he's almost out 24/7 doing that. He's grown more and more negligent over the years and I've tried all ways to tell him how that makes us feel. But his attitude and behaviour shows us that he does not care at all. His presence makes me feel pressured and I'm always sad around him. I wish all the time that my parents would be 24/7 so I don't have to see them. It's the worst when they are both at home. Feels childish of me to wish so…

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  30. Laura Post author

    my relationships with men are always chaotic and painful….. all due to my neediness, insecurities and fears u.u

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  31. Cee Dee Post author

    I'm 16 and I have an emotional unstable dad. He was not given this as an young adolescence. This video didn't help but gave me reassurance. He was emotionally absent. I always felt alone but this video reminded me that. That's why I hate it when I see dad's with there daughters being with there dad. They are smiling and laughing. I always hated them because they had a bond. And I don't have a bond? he tells me that he will cut off a relationship with me at 18. And I'm scared about that. I love my dad and don't want to cut him off. I love my dad and 2 days ago was my birthday. I'm scared for my next birthday. It feels like a 2 year ticking time bomb for me. I'm scared,? I'm starting to find approval through boys and there sexual ways. And I started desiring attention from them by losing weight and putting on makeup. It has worked and I still live for that. I even started looking into being a prostitute because of it. And IDC anymore I just want to die already

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  32. Haley Blanchard Post author

    I have lived with my dad for most of my life… Im about to be 16… He never accepted me as a white girl who is attracted to black guys, he used to beat me, choke me, spit on me… just because I was happy, which he never saw that I was…. He never was emotionally supportive of me… He told me yesterday that the choices are that I can date white men (which does not make me happy) and make him happy, or be happy with a black man and never see my dad again and completely have my dad out of my life… Well, I choose happiness, I wrote my dad a letter explaining its time to let go…

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  33. CoCO 5 Post author

    Hi, this comment will go unnoticed im sure, and i hardly use youtube. I am a male with this issue and the whole video is directed at females, even the book.

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  34. Kaylynn Huddleston Post author

    My dad is bi-polar When your having to take care of this dad in your 50s and live as duty and caretaker. NOTHING I can do to make him not abuse and mood me . Moving would make me happy but there are no answers in this case. I don't even want friends anymore. I paint and have 3 go to friends the rest don't get it ,don't care

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  35. Saumya Singh Post author

    Both my parents are emotionally unavailable, I'm never having children, I don't want to continue the cycle

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  36. Mel Sal Post author

    What parents need to realize instead of ignore, is that their children end paying for the mistakes they make! We suffer from our parents lack of understanding, lack of support, lack of so much that is needed in a child’s life!!! I have bad relationships bc of the lack of all from my mother and now my kids have awful fathers too!! My daughter has an unemotional father and my son has an unavailable father!! I feel like such a failure !!!?

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  37. Caro S Post author

    Thank you so much for this incredibly informative and compassionate video. This was so spot-on! You must be an unbelievably good therapist.

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  38. CJTaylor 87 Post author

    my father was too nice so i never learned much, and basically the same unchanged young man he was when he left home

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  39. HHHHEEELLLLOOOO1 Post author

    My dad was just a person in the house. Not someone I could talk to, not someone I could cry to. His hugs are awkward and I never had that daddy’s little girl relationship that I wanted:/ so my mom made up a lot of love that he lacked to give. I’ve always wanted a loving man in my life. So I feel overly attached to my husband and freak out if we fight cause I think he’s gonna leave me. Or demand for more attention and affection when we’re just chilling at home. I try not to act that way but internally it’s so hard

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  40. Feige Katarina Post author

    Easy. My dad was never home. And whenever he was home, he'd be in his study. I noticed you barely talked about how to recover from unavailable fathers. Surely it's slightly different, isn't it? Less depending on coping skills. The two things I see as a problem in myself that were caused by my dad is: that I have a tendency to depend on myself for things, and that there's something blocking me from talking to and therefore relating to guys (of any age range, it's not just shyness.) It's just so much easier to get close to and trust women, than it is to trust men. Dad instilled in me the belief that I'm not allowed to talk to men. (It was an accident. He didn't do it on purpose, but it still happened.) Anyway, I'm not certain either of those have anything to do with coping.

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  41. Evilpotato 79 Post author

    My father has always been rude to me. He cheated on my mother and I still remember they almost had a divorce. He still cheats. I saw his texts where he wrote that my mother parties a lot (she doesn't at all. She is always busy looking after all of us), me and my brother are always outside with our friends. It hurt so much because one, he was cheating and two he sent texts that were false and back then I was bullied at school and had no friends. I don't think if it is normal or not but I just never felt like he's my father. It always feels like he's a stranger. I hate everything about him. When I talk about these thing to my mum or brother they don't really take it seriously and say that it was past and he does a lot for you e.g. sending you to the best school and uni. All parents do that if they afford it. They just never understand and tell me to forgive and forget. I've been to therapist. She told me I had depression. Her sessions didn't help at all so I don't know what to do now. Just wanted to type this here and let it all out.

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  42. Lazar Gajicic Post author

    Both of my parents were absent. I never shared my emotions to them. I was bullied and shy. I grew very sad ( luckily it changed over the past years due to my reading and self improving). I had social anxiety and psychosis. In couple of days I'm going to psychologist to solve my problems. Can't wait!

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  43. RunToEternity Post author

    I learned to avoid interacting with my dad, I never knew when he'd be angry, or drinking, or both. Trying to help him with something always ended up with me being a failure, never doing anything right. Is this why I have avoidant personality disorder? I thought it was only social anxiety, but maybe not.

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  44. Swathi Post author

    Heal: type of father and relationship with father, recall the treatment by father, recognise coping skills /defense mechanism, which of coping skills active today(like workaholic, going unnoticed), come up with different healthy techniques.

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  45. john higgins Post author

    Kids pick up on it very early, don't underestimate. My dad was and still is very emotionally unavailable. He shouldn't have even had kids really. I always since I could talk, get my mother's attention by actually calling her 'mom'. But when it ever came to getting my dad's attention which was very rare, it was never 'dad', I always just felt like he was nobody to me really and always got his attention by saying 'oi'. Yes I was only 5.

    I do understand why my father is the way he is though. He was brought up in a extremely dysfunctional family.

    It has affected me a lot, on top of having temporal lobe epilepsy which has it's own symptoms.

    I'm working on it, recognising all the flaws is the very start, otherwise you don't know what to work on. Then learn how to overcome these things.

    Unfortunately this is something increasing in the overall population though. I think we're doomed. Relationships are failing a lot more, men having kids to several women etc. No wonder mental health is manifesting in the way it is these days.

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  46. Seamus McCluskey Post author

    Well growing up I saw my dad for about an hour or 2 every day completely sober/participate in my family. Then around 5-6 o'clock he heads to the basement to drink and watch movies, all isolated and he'd occasionally come upstairs to join in on whatever conversation for about 2 minutes then go back downstairs. And I would never know if he was going to be angry, caring, nice, drunk, annoying, etc. so I never said anything and put my personality away. I walk around my house trying to go unnoticed by him, so he won't bother me if I'm being honest. I just feel so uncomfortable around him and that my wants never mattered it always had to be me conforming to what he was feeling

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  47. Sweet Flower Post author

    It is so weird though. Does he not know that he is unreliable? I mean how can one not know that it sucks breaking promises worse to your own kids. I just wish my Dad did not have to say he will do something then act like he did not say it. He doesn’t Call or text with an explanation! It is really not that hard to say “ oh something came up. “ It is better than going silent on your own child no matter how old the child is

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  48. Imagine The money Post author

    I never related to a video. My father just critiques me in everything I do. He never notices the good things and accomplishments. I feel like I’m never enough for anyone. I’m literally crying writing this because I just feel so empty and insecure

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  49. Lex M Post author

    Kati, this is exactly what I needed to hear today. I didn't even consciously know, but my issues right this moment reflect it.
    I appreciate you.

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  50. Jume Jume Post author

    That situation is killing me , because I always run a way from man when I fell like I'm falling in love with , scare to be abandoned and love enough ???

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  51. Jume Jume Post author

    He was inaccessible and unfair between his children (he is an polygamous man ) never present and keep his word , it's was always impossible to count on him or even trust because at the end it will be disappointing ?

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  52. Sidiiq Ismacil Post author

    First l am somalilander my country is located horn of africa or north of somali why are you say invalaliable father psychology

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  53. joethebar1 Post author

    My dad was a complete alcoholic but a high functioning one. Emotionally, a 9 year old in a mans body. He was a mean rude asshole my whole life. When he died from colon cancer three years ago, I was at the hospital ( more out of duty). The only emotion I felt when he passed was relief. That’s it.
    I realize that many of my problems in life stem from this dysfunctional childhood and trauma I experienced. I’ve seen it all.

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  54. No ThisIsPatrick Post author

    My dad ran off to Italy when I was 3 and left my mom, at 20 years old to raise me by herself. Sometimes I oscillate between feeling sorry for him and then hating him for acting like he did nothing wrong. Sigh. I don’t need his presence or approval but sometimes I just wish i could slap him across the head and scream at him all the ways he was a piece of shit.
    But you know, I’ve met some amazing men so far and I know that wonderful men exist. I choose to give my attention to them.

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  55. Adriana Lauer Post author

    My father was emotionally abusive and unreliable. When I was real little he treated me like a princess and like I was his whole world. When I got older he picked on me like he picked on my mom. I remember almost everything he did over the years that affected me. I saw him emotionally abuse my mom serveral times. He was worse with her as he was very controlling with her even to the point where he followed her to her friend's house, and he wouldn't let her get her degree and work outside of the home. He also almost hit her on one occasion. With my siblings and I he was emotionally abusive and negligent. When I was 13 he told me I was going to be big like my mom. Because he picked on me alot my brother picked on me as well. He died when I was 14. As a result I have trust issues, issues with authority, issues with being easily startled, avoid being noticed, and I have anxiety and depression. I never completely came to terms with the fact that he was abusive till recently. Now I need to heal.

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