86 comments on “Co-Parenting with a TOXIC EX | Kati Morton

  1. Cora Post author

    Thanks for this, Kati. My mom and sister and I are coping through a nasty divorce after my father walked out and I'm currently dealing with PTSD from it. I wish he could understand how difficult it is for his kids to hear him yell slurs and say disrespectful things towards their own mom. Maybe I'll send this video to him someday

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  2. Alicia Jauffret Post author

    what about children who see the toxic parent for what they are and decide not to see them anymore? surely one good parent chosen for good reason is better than two and exposing your children to someone who has behaved abusively is 'okaying' that behaviour to your kids

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  3. Kristene Softley Post author

    I was 13 when my parents got a divorce, however I have no memory up to 18months after. Can you please talk about childhood memory lost about this

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  4. therabbithat Post author

    is there ex therapy like there is couples therapy? Where your smouldering pile of debris can blossom into a warm friendship?

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  5. Justin B. Post author

    Heya lady,
    Fell in love with your spirit through Shane 🙂
    Just have been curious about how/why psychologists of whichever area of study that have worked so hard to be where they are and earn a degree to help and understand people are ok with being titled as a therapist?
    It just seems like it's a bit of a demeaning term for such an educated human.
    Tons of love from Thunder Bay in Canada.

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  6. Candace Elaine Post author

    What if the toxic coparent is a severe narcissist? And Doesn’t adhere to any normal parenting ANYTHING

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  7. Healing Beyond Trauma Post author

    My family and I are parallel parenting with a person we believe to be borderline personality disorder and we use OurFamilyWizard. Can't say enough about this program!! We do pay for it yearly, some discounts apply but its worth it and also court admissible. It contains a calendar, databank, daily journal, message board, and even financial tracking/payment tools for shared expenses.

    Would love to see a video about co-parenting with a borderline personality disordered parent. In our case it's my son's birth mother, I'm his stepmother who has raised him full time for 10 years. As our kiddo is now in the teenage years things have gotten tough with parental alienation, and really our son being diagnosed with emotional disturbance so advice is always appreciated.

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  8. IsabelleYLV Post author

    Hey Kati! I have been bingeing your videos recently (no pun intended), and a few years ago there was the possibility to ask you questions in different places, and you picked some to answer in a FAQ video. Is it still possible? If so, how can we ask our questions to you? Thanks for all of this great content!

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  9. Jennifer Post author

    Wow, we were parallel parenting without even knowing it. Our split was very volatile, so I find it a lot easier to deal with him through text messages and emails.

    I do want to add though that I think if your ex is dating someone that is going to spend time with your child (especially if they are very young when you divorce, ours is 3 now), I think you're entitled to at least know a little about the person they're spending some time with. I'd be interested to know if you agree with this at all, because my ex apparently started seeing someone shortly after we separated and she spent time with my child (including on a weekend trip), and in fact had spent time with him for six months, without my knowledge.

    I personally don't want anything to do with his romantic relationships as long as if those people are spending time with my child I at least know it's happening and maybe a little about them.

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  10. Michal Sanchez Post author

    Parallel Parenting is what I have been doing for the past 11yrs. Every time I think how nice it would be to co-parent, my ex's behavior proves otherwise. It is sad and breaks my heart for my son, but it is out of my control.

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  11. J.O. Dei Post author

    This is a great video. My parents divorced when I was seven and my father isn't in my life that much. But I'm happy the life my mom and her husband have provided me with. I'm grateful and my stepfather is much more of a father to me. I do see how my father is a bit toxic so I"m not disappointed that he's minimally present. Not like everything was perfect, yet I know I wouldn't have been taken care of by my father and his wife well.

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  12. Courtney Elizabeth Post author

    What I wouldn’t give to be able to have you as my therapist, or at least be able to have a deep conversation with you! ? you’re amazing, Kati!

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  13. Emperatriz Post author

    I came from Shane's YouTube channel to check out your videos. I'm so glad I did! I graduated with an associates in behavioral science and, in the future, would like to go back to college after my kids are all in school. I'm so into your videos! Im going through a divorce right now and I could not have found a better time to watch this video. Thank you Kati!!

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  14. Single Mom Adventures Post author

    I need advice on this topic. I have two kids a daughter 7 and son 5. I always knew things were not great for my son when he goes to his dads. But my son came home from his dads house last weekend and said that his dad told him he was stupid and mean and didn't deserve to be part of his dads family. My son's dad also encouraged our daughter to degrade our son as well. We have a no contract order because of how abusive he was to me when we were married. What should I do? Advice anyone?

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  15. Billie Posters Post author

    Check out my body dysphoria inspired performance art on my channel <3 katie im looking at you girl 😉

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  16. ihartevil Post author

    That sounds a lot like what carlystylz did with her son

    I might have misspelt her sn but she is the shaytards sister I dont know what her last name is now since she got married

    She had a toxic ex boyfriend with a child maybe you can have her on to talk about it I know he also has been working on himself so he isnt so toxic now and can give some of these peoples some hope

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  17. Stephanie A Post author

    Hey kati! I love your videos! I have a dear friend who’s mom is a hoarder (mostly cats) and she’s living in such a nightmare. Could you do a video about the mentality of hoarding? Thx!

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  18. Andrea Owens Post author

    Omg! You must be listening in on my conversations. I have literally been asking my husband and my mom what to do with my ex. I have to co-parent with him, I took our court ordered co parenting classes and he hasn't. Thank you so much

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  19. Mel Langdon Post author

    I’m not a parent but I am a child of divorce and coming from the child’s standpoint I would just like to applaud you for your tips. If these guidelines had been implemented in my situation I think my childhood would have been much less stressful and I hope they help other parents out there 🙂

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  20. Martin Meza Post author

    Hi. I have a question. I went to see a therapist. And she told me i had depression. But i feel like thats bt what i have i feel like i was emotional neglected. I did like the appoontment and her personality and how everything went. But some part of me refuses to go back because i feel like sense she didnt get my actual problem she is not “good”.. i think my question is more like if is it normal for therapist to make mistakes. ( this is the first time i get therapy so i dont know what is it what im looking for.

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  21. The Trash Junkie Post author

    My ex and I were never married but we share twins and is so hard 🙁 He comes and goes for months on end. He also does drugs and can’t take the blame for anything. He 100% has a form of narcissism or is a sociopath. The drugs don’t help either. We are now at a visitation center and it’s so hard to bring the kids there. It’s a depressing place. I really hope one day we can figure something out, starting with him getting sober.

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  22. Abigail Powell Post author

    Thank you so very much for this!!! It was so very helpful. Hearing about parallel parenting is maybe the greatest thing I’ve learned about divorce thus far. Have a blessed and beautiful day!!!

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  23. geekunit177 Post author

    my parents got divorced in my mid-teens they wanted nothing to with one another it was like being caught in the middle of two warring factions.

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  24. Ash A Post author

    oh my gosh! Thank you for this information. Never heard of parallel parenting until now. This helps me and my daughter tremendously. thank you!

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  25. Carly Cardenas Post author

    I love your videos! Do you think you could discuss ADD/ADHD diagnosis in teens and adults? And how girls are less likely to be properly diagnosed or noticed? I was diagnosed two years ago at 15 but i still have no idea how to learn to deal with it without medication (which I can’t really take) and everyone’s tips never seem to work. Why aren’t some people diagnosed until theyre older? And what are some ways we can learn about our disorders and how to cope with them?

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  26. Jesse Samuel Post author

    hey Kati! thanks so much for your videos and for fostering such a positive community 🙂
    i know you recommend working with a dietitian, having three meals a day and snacks in between, but lots of folks who do intermittent fasting are saying that humans weren't evolved to have food so readily available… what are your thoughts on that?

    here's a video that talks about this – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKfR6bAXr-c

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  27. Wolfferoni Post author

    I'd love a video about in-laws. If one parent really doesn't get along with the other's family and constantly talks badly about them to their kids and how it affects their kids and the partner whose parents are being trash-talked.

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  28. Emily Helgeson Post author

    I’m sorry this is random and not related to this video really, but do you think you will ever tour or travel? I just saw your draw my life (I know it was uploaded forever ago it seems like) and I didn’t know you were from Washington state! It would be amazing if you did tour or speak or something, and that was one of your stops. No one ever comes here, no one I know anyway… thanks for being amazing!! <3

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  29. Maria Ali Post author

    Can you make video of the mental effect of children or teenagers whose parents cheat or have an affair. Thanks.

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  30. Vinny Charo Post author

    Hi there I recently started watching your videos great content is there any videos about Divorce and struggles? Keep up the great work

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  31. Sun Wukong Post author

    Neither would work in a million years with my ex, he's nuts how do you deal with an ex who more likely then not is undiagnosed severely depressed with paranoia and psychosis?.

    We went from perfectly fine family to having this angry stranger walk out on us blaming us for his misery and then being stalkerish.

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  32. midnightmares Post author

    I know that this is really irrelevant to this video, but can you make a video on ASPD vs Bipolar disorder? Worried for my dad. -xx ❤️

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  33. Bryan Lechien Post author

    Hello Kati amazing video again , could you make a video about dating / Relationship with someone with PTSD ? ty

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  34. Natasha Mudford Post author

    #katifaq
    I don't do Facebook, and this comment is not about this video on parenting with a toxic ex. But it is on a subject in which you specialize: self harm.

    I have watched many of your videos, and you don't seem to have your teachings rooted in any religious belief system. Recently, something was brought to my attention from the bible… it was the story of a demon-possessed man who would cut himself with sharp rocks.

    Perhaps people with self harm issues are being influenced by demonic forces. You might not believe in such forces, you might think that belief in God and Jesus is silly, but if casting out demons makes a person stop cutting themself, wouldn't it be worth looking into?

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  35. Keroneth Post author

    As someone who's a child of divorce, something I've learned is that as the kids in the situation, we absolutely have the right to create boundaries for ourselves, too. We're allowed to ask our parents to stop using us as messengers, to stop talking badly about the other parent, etc. Just because they're having a rough time in the working relationship that persists afterwards when co-parenting or parallel parenting, it doesn't give them the right to vent and talk badly about the ex to those of us who love both our parents and want nothing to do with the divorce in general. It's something I wish I could've understood during my teen years after my parents' divorce, and it's something that I still have difficulty with actually bringing up because I don't want to upset my parents. But, ever since I've started setting those boundaries, I've had a much healthier relationship with my parents. As for this video, my uncle is in a similar situation now where he's sorta co-parenting with his toxic ex. He now has sole custody of my little cousin because his ex has been shown to be unfit to be a parent, but the co-parenting still happens because my cousin still communicates with his mom. This is an incredibly complicated topic and a very important one, and I'm glad you're talking about it 🙂

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  36. anonymous person Post author

    this. is. the. best. video. i’ve. ever. seen. thank. you. for. the. help. and. comferting. ?❤️

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  37. Samra P Post author

    My children's father took my kids from me while I was in jail. I learned about it over a phone call with my dad. I never even got the chance to fight for them. My childs father is a full blown narssisist. He trashes me in front of them and uses them to hurt me. Even when it hurts them. He now hadn't allowed me to see them for 3 months. I dont have $ for a lawyer but Ive been researching, drawing up my own paperwork and have filed them with the court. I have court on the 22nd. I need some advise. My children are scared to death of him. So am I. There's NO COMMUNICATING w him. He is truly evil to the core. He has made horrible accusations against me. What can I do?

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  38. Sam Post author

    Is mental illness connected in any way of not being able to tell the difference between reality and dreams?

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  39. Pan duh Post author

    Hi, I know it is off topic, but i wanted to ask, what to do when you can't afford therapist or have no understanding people around you to talk to, and your head is at the very dark and laud place?thank you

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  40. Jodie G Post author

    This is off topic and I’m sorry to bother you, but I could use some advice. I really hate my family and I hate being at home and I’ve been thinking about running away because I’m not sure how much longer I can stand being at home (I’m 15 years old) and I can’t think of another solution other than running away, I think I’m going to but I’m sure. I don’t know if you have any thoughts on this or not and if you do thank you

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  41. Person Human Post author

    Hey can you maybe do a video on if stress and depression and major anxiety is an okay excuse to miss school. I have been super stressed lately and I have lot of anxiety and depression going on and want to skip school to have a day to try to clear my head but is that a good enough reason?

    P.s love your videos and your super helpful! Hope you see this:)

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  42. Jade Tipiani Post author

    Hey can you please make a video about toxic friendship it just feels like the media doesn't talk about it at all

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  43. kvistis Post author

    I found your channel a couple of weeks ago, and I love it 🙂 I would be interested in how a parent should act if they are co/parallell-parentning with someone who might be toxic for the child. Eg I have a friend who's ex shows a lot of the signs you talked about in your narcissism video. How should someone like her make sure that the child is still growing up to be confident in their attachments etc?

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  44. Sheree Cailes Post author

    Hi Katy, Can you please do a video on attention seeking. My friend fakes her bruises at school just so people will think she’s being abused. Why does she do this? Did she’s have some type of disorder or is it just normal attention seeking behaviours?

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  45. 달빛 Post author

    How do i suggest someone to take therapy? She’s my friend and she has lots of self harm cut wounds, and she’s mostly nice, but sometimes just out of the blue says, ‘I’ll block your calls and SNS’, then after a few days, come back to being nice, and texts me…

    She says she has a problem but doesn’t want to tell me what exactly is, telling me ‘I’ll tell you later’. When i ask her who she talks to when she is in pain or hardship, she says ‘no one’… what can I do? I would love to do anything to help her… 🙁 how can i convince her to take therapy..?

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  46. Megan Cotterly Post author

    Oh. My. Jesus. This couldnt be a more perfect video for me. He is in and out of prison. In and out of her life. I watch her be devastated every time he choose drugs over her and I'm so angry about it. She is only 8 and doesn't deserve to be learning the life lesson that sometimes our own parents are the ones that hurt us the most. She has a step father In her life every day. He is an amazing loving exaple in her life. We are so lucky to have him. But she obviously wishes her biological father could keep it together

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  47. Holly Williamson Post author

    I’d like to add to use the app OFW – Our Family Wizard. It has a calendar, message center, way to pay or collect payment from the other parent, etc. It also has a language meter that will flag you or the other parent if the messages get too hostile. It’s perfect for parallel parenting and Gray Rocking and is admissible in court if needed.

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  48. Eva Evalicious Post author

    hi kati, my names eva and im 16. i struggle with divorced parents who are very toxic with each other. my father has been physically abusive with me, and emotionally abusive with my mother. he's very manipulative and uses me and my younger brother to get information to try to hurt my mom. he has stolen some of my moms friends, he spreads embarrassing things about her, and he has tried to get me to not like her. what do i do to help my mom in this situation? i tell my dad very little but my younger brother doesn't understand whats happening, and he will tell my dad things that he shouldn't say. how can i get my mom out of this? i watched the video and most of the stuff you have said they do, but he always finds ways to hurt and scare my mom. how should she set boundaries and show him that shes not afraid without causing him to lash out? he has very bad anger issues and he always tends to get his way. always. thank you for all your help with your videos and what you do, you're a great person and i just recently found your channel. thanks in advance!! 🙂

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  49. Mama G Post author

    Timely…I am hopefully at the end process of divorce from that man who is a Toxic partner as well as parent….THANKYOU!!!

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  50. Mina Lucina Post author

    Kati can you make a video about how to deal with divorce while being depressed? I would appreciate it!!

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  51. itsyaboi lil Post author

    Just wanted to say that I'm a child of divorced parents and mum and dad argue a lot, and its hard for me to not talk about dad to mum or tell dad that mum has a new boyfriend BC in my head they still talk and want to be around each other and its really hard for me to accept that dad has three other kids and a new wife and realise that I'm not doing anyone any good by talking about it

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  52. AbrilAguilar Post author

    This is great, but it only works if both parents want to do it. But we know toxic people will not want to cooperate with this. Specially ASPD or NPD. They hate it when you create boundaries. That is my current situation. My ex has been pushing buttons for 7 years. He'll use ANYTHING to create conflict so the court gets involved and Family Court is far from understanding how cluster B mentally ill parents affect their kids and their ex. I'm constantly anxious receiving threats, fighting for child support, getting drunk messages late at night, trying to ignore arguing attempts about every single topic, being blamed for every single thing even though my daughter is happy, healthy, and has everything she needs, and Family Court keeps saying I have to cooperate. I know many other single parents have this issue. Is there any advice for those cases? I keep trying to cancel the visit schedule but since it is her right to see her dad, appearently regardless his behaviour, they keep saying no, and I'm perceived as the difficutl one.

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  53. Em L Post author

    Can you do a video on being the girlfriend to a male who has a child and ex? I have a lot of insecurities and jealousy’s in past relationships due to being cheated on and I see it coming into this relationship. I also see that sometimes my feelings are really normal it’s hard to be with someone who has an ex that they have a child with.

    Please help, thanks.

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  54. Harumi Rodriguez Post author

    Helloooooo! Anyone here who could translate this to Spanish? My friend who is 20 has a baby with a guy who is a very toxic person (he used to abuse her physically and mentally, he didn’t work, he used to sell and consume drugs, he didn’t study and he is in a new toxic relationship with a toxic young girl) and she could use this video to learn a little bit about how to deal with co parenting with him. Or if you have any other video with Spanish subs pls link it to me. Thanks a lot in advance ?

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  55. Lorena Lopez Post author

    Wow. Thank you for putting all of this information out there, and not just this video but all of them. Your channel is just what I needed.

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  56. Mistress Alina Mistress Alina Post author

    I never knew there was a phrase for this “parallel parenting”.I have a temp domestic restraining order on my ex and with one day a week he sees my son. He’s a drug addict n homeless n I have him in a veterans program to get him help but it’s still difficult. Thankfully with the courts I have full custody n have talkingparents.com through court that’s the only communication we have that’s only about my son when he visits. Wow this really touched home. Love this.

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  57. A2Z With MoonEqualist Post author

    I came back here to watch again after a really bad episode with my child's father. He went off on me recently and was saying really nasty things about me, and I stayed calm and didn't fight with him. Your very informative videos help me out so much I just wanted to say thank you. ❤️

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  58. Astrid Morales Post author

    Good tips! Any advice on how to coparent or parallel parent with an ex who is a narcissist and a sociopath??? Having a hard time and really trying to do what's best for my son.

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  59. Hairyfrankfurt Post author

    Can you make a video purely on the benefits of coparenting to share with a person who is reluctant to actually coparent?

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  60. TinkerBebe Post author

    How can you not discuss moving, changing jobs, or your ex getting into a new relationship when you're supposed to send your child with them for visitation? I need to know where my child is, who they're around during visits, and where my ex works so child support stays on him (child support doesn't automatically check for new employers, the custodial parent can provide locate information to child support services for the other parent). When you're dealing with a shifty, self serving personality they love withholding pertinent information so they can use it in surprise verbal, emotional, and physical attacks which makes parenting impossible.

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  61. Jack 1D1 PS Post author

    I had been in a relationship for around 6 years which ended about 3 years ago with a child involved. Just over a year ago PTSD hit me where going out is at extreme for me during which time my mind has had to settle and just a week ago I finally identified my ex as having a narcissistic personality disorder. This has had a profound effect on the relationship with my child and has been a roller coaster of emotions but made me realise that we cannot co-parent, that being said perhaps parallel parenting maybe something to consider having watched this video. Whilst my PTSD is not directly connected to my ex the personality she exhudes tends to exacerbate it's condition and I now feel the need to disconnect. Some people perceive this as 'Walking away' and not caring however the well being of my child is vital and anything that can improve the situation is welcome, thank you.?

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  62. Stacy Wallen Post author

    My ex refuses to co parent, says I'm a horrible mother for trying to keep things business like so that there is no fighting, refusing contact other than text or email and keeping the conversation about our daughter. It's been this way for almost 7 years. His girlfriend told our daughter when she was 2 I was dead and recently told our daughter she was going to beat me up in front of her. I try to involve him in our daughter's life but he refuses to be part of anything unless he can look good or try to make me look like a horrible mother. I wish I could co parent but I try to parallel parent against the animosity and disregard for our court order as much as I can.

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  63. Blended Life Post author

    Keeping it "Just business" is such a great rule of thumb for co-parenting! Great insight on this video!

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  64. Debi Brewer Post author

    This sounds perfect for me. What do you do when the ex still wants to be with you. They are toxic but still say they love you. They hate you then love you. They won't stick to any schedule and make excuse to talk.

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  65. Kevin Post author

    Kati You didn't cover dealing with a toxic ex. I am the custodial parent. My ex-wife and I co-parent. She is always a nasty person to me. She will do things to sabotage my plans and hurl seriously hurtful things to me. How can one coparent with someone only interested in causing me pain and chaos? For what it's worth, I was a good husband always faithful and never abusive. So I don't see a reason why she would harbor such malice for me; that's just a side note to put a little context in there.

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  66. Shawn Boggs Post author

    I've paid my exes rent since she had me thrown out of the house I moved us into, I paid and will be paying her electric, and I filled her tank with heating oil. A month now and have yet to be aloud to see my daughter. Refuses to allow me to keep her overnight, so just today I asked if she would let me take her for the day and bring her back this evening. She told me no. Refuses to let me have her even tho I've never been a danger or hostile. She is telling everyone I am toxic because I've gotten angry from having my child kept from me for over a month. I've given her money for my daughter and even my step daughter that I took care of for the past 4 years. Ex has never worked the entire time we were together. No matter what I do, she is the victim and I'm the villain, but claims that i make her the villain and I'm the victim. I dont need to be a victim, I just need to spend time with my 2.5 yr old.

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  67. corinnaxkiaira Post author

    Me and my boyfriend just broke up of two years . We broke up because he was controlling and etc. we’ve been broke up for about 2 weeks but it’s hard because we lived together and because he’s never had his daughter alone overnight . So I’m scared I’m scared to see him with other people . I’m scared to be a single mom .

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